Forest here I come!

Hmmmm. Perhaps Maydell Boothby will be quite an interesting character to get to know after all....

From www.maydellboothby.biz

Maydell Boothby was born in 1964 in Saint Louis, Missouri. He went to school at Washington University and obtained his bachelor's degree in 1986. He received her Master's degree from Harvard in 1987 and later received his J.D. from Washington University Law School in 1998. Boothby married the Women's Issues campaigner Slatternly Ironface and had six children. In 2002 Ironface (that woman could never bring herself to change her name) was named the Illinois New Lesbian Mother of the Year.


For a whole fortnight in 2000 Boothby became a national leader of the conservative movement with the publication of the book, Echoes from my Breast, a speculative fiction romp through the Yore Galaxy, mistakenly viewed in some quarters as an avante garde endorsement of family values. Following his appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show - an episode that generated the greatest number of complaints in US Television history - Boothby was asked not to attend any more political functions.


Boothby has written over twenty books, publishes a monthly newsletter called How We Can Eradicate Weakness, syndicates columns to over 100 newspapers, and makes radio commentaries five days a week on WKZL ('Where Force Finds a Voice'), and conducts a weekly radio show called They'd Take It All If They Could.


Books: 19 science fiction novels, including: Echoes from my Breast, Beware the Positive Woman, Strike Now For Freedom, Libbers Across My Couch, Children Who Dare To Take On Moms, Who Will Rock the Cradle When The Moms Are On The Rocks?, Women Who Love Women Who Hate Men Who Love Women; 1 self-help book for cuckolded husbands: The Matrichidiocon Lizard Conspiracy.

What an interesting man! I would love to know more about the Lizard Conspiracy.

My research complete, I log into gmail to see if any of my many e-correspondants have contacted me. They have! Well, Olwen has, anyway.

From: Olwen Cuff [mailto:olwencuff@birmingham.prison.uk]
Sent: 28 August 2004 11:12
To: Graham Parsnip [grahamparsnip@gmail.com]
Subject: Can't see the wood for the trees!

Hi Graham!

I can't wait to get out of prison for a couple of weeks to take part in I'm A Speculative Fiction Author... even if it isn't for ever. Ah, the smell of the forest and the chance to speak speculatively with everyone in the camp! I'm a big fan of both Maydell Boothby and Barnard Crubbins, so it will be wonderful to meet them, and I suppse having to put up with Dunkan won't be so bad...

Have you heard anything about what the Fen Tucker Trials might consist of?

Please confirm to me that you are coming? Apparently you are the last to confirm!?!?

Yours in spec-fic-lit

Olwen xxx

Gosh, she sounds as keen as Briony that I come along. And it might be a nice chance to pit my strength and wits against everything that nature has to throw at me... Blast, the phone is ringing.

"Greetings from Blaart." (My standard greeting, it seems to put cold-callers off)

"Jesus, Graham, when will you stop coming out with that shit?"

"Oh, hello Archie. How are you?"

"Pretty damn well exhausted, my man. Folks-Whippet had the vag coming at me from all directions. I'm bloody well literally shagged out. So, what better way to relax than some Police work, eh?"

"Quite, Archie. What can I do for you?"

"You mean, what can I do for you, Parsnip! I've had word from one of my snouts that one of Merv Doonican's relatives is coming over from Ireland to avenge his death. Now, I can't for the life of me understand why or how, but for some reason he thinks you're responsible, and that you're the one he's going to slaughter! Ha ha!"

The blood drained from my extremities. "Jesus Christ, Archie. What should I do?"

"Don't worry, boy. Trust your uncle Archie. Listen, I'll have a couple of my boys watching your flat for anyone suspicious. The best thing you could do is lay low. You got any family you could stay with? Or maybe take a holiday? I'm sure you could do with one, you pasty faced weasel."

"Well, I guess there is somewhere I could go. Would I be safe in Thetford Forest?"

"Ah, you thinking about that Celebrity rip-off thing, eh? I've already put a tenner on Cuff and Tupper to have a red-hot lesbo romp by the second night! That'd be ideal, everyone knows the Irish are scared of trees. Go for it Graham, lad. See you in a few weeks!"

With that, he rang off. I totter back to the PC and reply to Briony:


From: Graham Parsnip [grahamparsnip@gmail.com]
Sent: 28 August 2004 14:12
To: Briony Flegg [mailto:briony@fantasticalhouseofflegg.tv]
Subject: Re: IaSFA...GMooH! (IawTFA)

Hi Briony

Count me in!

Graham

Is fate conspiring to humiliate me? Or elevate me to greatness? Well, let the public decide!

A ridiculous idea from Briony

An interesting electronic epistle indeed from fair Briony!

From: Briony Flegg [mailto:briony@fantasticalhouseofflegg.tv]
Sent: 27 August 2004 04:12
To: Graham Parsnip [grahamparsnip@gmail.com]
Subject: IaSFA...GMooH! (IawTFA)

Dear Graham

Thankyou very much for your last email. I really liked the card game scene in the 'Oli' (as those in the know refer to it!) and I am most flattered at the portrayal of Bri'oni ;-)

Also, well done on the cover art! It will do.

Now, a very exciting opportunity might be coming your way - a real chance to grab the limelight! Darryl Duckmanton, the News, Ads and Arts editor of the Thetford Free Ads has contacted me about a new venture they are getting into! Following the lead of "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me out of Here!", they are going to have their very own version of casting well known people out into the wilderness. Hence "I'm a Speculative Fiction Author...Get Me out of Here!".

So far, they have got Dunkan Cutter, Chester Prehatch, Olwen Cuff (on an electronic tag), Barnard Crubbins, Maydell Boothby (an american) and Poppy Tupper (who, I acknowledge, is hardly speculative).

The event will take place in Thetford Forest, and you will be in there for 2 weeks. There will be twice weekly updates in the Tuesday and Friday editions of the Free Ads, as well as a webcam feed on the Free Ads website!! Obviously there will be 'Fen Tucker Trials' to endure, but if you do well this will increase your popularity amongst the people of Thetford and district!

Whoever is crowned King (or Queen!) of the Jungle (or Forest!!) will be given a double page spread in the Free Ads to promote their work, as well as numerous oppotunities to open supermarkets and the like. It's a wonderful opportunity, can I teel Darryl that you're in?

Yours in anticipation,

Briony Flegg xx

There is, of course, NO WAY I am ever going to demean myself and my art by taking part in this freakshow! Poppy Tupper doesn't write speculative fiction, for a start, and I haven't ever heard of Maydell Boothby. I might have to check out his website, www.maydellboothby.biz.

Still, I shan't respond to Briony just yet, as I don't want to upset her: after all, she is only thinking of my career...

The Cover Art!!!!

At last! Here it is! I can reveal all!

Below is the cover art for The A'Rafat Kronikles (note the renaming. The harsh 'k' is far more appropriate for these noirish tales). Click the thumbnail for the "bigger picture"!!

This picture is available to purchase as it is highly collectable. For just £150 you can purchase the original version which I printed out earlier today, or you can buy one of the second editions printings of it for £75. Each has been hand painted with a mouse in Paint on Windows. Or, if you would like to use the graphic in your own website, then for £400 you can have the electronic file.

Some of my less devoted fans my not know that some of my artwork is owned by none other than George Galloway MP and also the bloke who conducts the Thetford Children's Choir!!

Press Release

Gosh, things are really starting to get exciting now! I have been tasked by Briony to produce a press release to go along with The A'Rafat Chronicles. I have come up with the following:

Ken's Books have reserved the entire first print run of Graham Parsnip's speculative-detective crossover book, THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES.

In an exclusive deal, Ken's Books will sell the paperback THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES in every one of their UK stores as part of their Xmas promotion. The book, which retails for £3.99, will be featured as a special 3 for the price of 2 promotion and given a prominent position in the front of store Gift Bay for the Xmas market.

Tipped by Palimpsest.org.uk's speculative fiction expert, Norman Clature, to be THE only small press book to read this Christmas, THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES hits shelves on 12th November.

The hardback (first edition) version sold out 5 weeks before the author is due to launch THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES at The Firkin Rights of Man in Thetford on the 11th November.

British author Graham Parsnip has agreed to sign copies of the paperback version of THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES for people pre-ordering via Ken's Books, making THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES one of the most collectable books of 2004. A small run of first edition copies have been printed in paperback and hardback, and the signed copies are definitely the ones to grab. They will make an ideal Christmas present, and additionally may prove a shrewd investment in the collectable book market. The limited edition paperback print run will be scaled out to all of Ken's Books UK stores.

Featuring the stunning cover art of multi-award winning artist, Graham Parsnip, THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES has been the subject of the biggest 'buzz' for an unknown author and small independent publisher since GP Taylor's Shadowmancer, which went on to become a massive international bestseller and Ken's Books Book of the Year 2003. The author of THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES, Graham Parsnip, has already received praise from Gringo Bellhop, who dubbed Wright's writing as '...writing'.

Graham Parsnip's work has also been named by the Speculative Book and Magazine Collector (July edition 1244) as one of the most collectable modern authors in the world today, making THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES and ideal Xmas present that may very well rise in value and most certainly will not end up amongst a pile of unwanted Xmas gifts, like the work by a certain Mr Cutter might. According to SBMC, Graham Parsnip is part of an elite of fifteen-hundred authors which include Chester Prehatch, Dunkan Cutter, Jeremy Beadle and others. The author is already well known for his cult “The Parochial Pentameter”, with THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES being his first foray into the speculative/detective market, and what a dark and controversial debut it is.

THE A'RAFAT CHRONICLES is about Inspektor A'Rafat, a weary elfin cop at work in the Blaartian star system, which will be further explored in Parsnip's soon to be published 'The Oligarchicon', a 3,000 page space/time epic. A'Rafat battles to stay on the right side of the law whilst dispensing instant justice to wrong doers and bad boys alike. Briony Flegg called A'Rafat "Sherlock Holmes in space, but an elf" and she wasn't far wrong!

This should stir up a fair amount of interest in the media, I am sure! Everyone will want to know Graham Parsnip once they realise how collectable and enjoyable his books are! Fame and fortune, here I come!

DIY

Have decided to do the cover art myself. After all, how hard can it be?

Besides, what with the £5,000 I am giving to Briony to help cover initial distribution costs, I can't afford to buy anything in.

Watch this space to see the artwork before anyone else!

WEBCHAT

Briony has raised the issue of the cover art for the Chronciles of A'Rafat, my collection of speculative detective stories. I really don't know what to do.

Briony informs me that she cannot afford to pay for artwork herself; and so either I have to pay or I will have to do it myself. I have no problem with the latter, for a achieved a 'B' grade in O-level art. But even with my artistic talents, might not the cover look a little amatuerish?

I decide to consult my friends on the spec-fic chatroom. Messages whizz through the ether and arrive proudly on Merryl's 17inch LCD display.

*** GRAHAMPARSNIP has Connected ***

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
He's definitely gay.

BUMNUTS wrote:
brb

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
My collection of short stories is to be published soon! But should I design the cover myself, or buy something in? It seems like a lot of money...

OLWENCUFF wrote:
Hi Graham. I have managed to get on a PC here at the prison. I think you are an excellent designer, and would do it yourself.

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
Thanks Olwen. Your opinion means a great deal to me. How is life in the prison?

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Ya big softie Parsnip! Put yer scribblings away and get the job done proper, like! Demand an artist give you summat for free. That's what I did with Farwhytt Ever Thee Bind, I tell ye! Git onto that Les Edwards, he'll give stuff to any old twat these days, I've heard.

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Hey, Cuff! You still looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp? Hahaha! Yer munter! How's your shit poetry coming along, eh? Got someone to listen to one yet? Hahahahahahahaaaaaa!

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
Dunkan, why do you have to be so profane and unpleasant? Olwen may not be the most conventionally attractive woman in thw world, but you are wrong to criticise her poetry, which has been coming along very nicely recently. I accept your thoughts on the cover issue but I hardly think I am in a position to be making demands of respected artists like Mr Edwards!

OLWENCUFF wrote:
Fuck off Dunkan, you dickhead.

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Ooooooh get her! I might just have to pop an email to the prison IT boys to let them know one of their crims is posting naughty words on the internet! Hahahaha!

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
You wouldn't Dunkan! Don't do that!

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Oh yes I would... And I just have! ROTFLMAO!

OLWENCUFF wrote:
you wan

*** OLWENCUFF's connection has been lost ***

*** GRINGOBELLHOP has connected ***

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
Hi Gringo! Have you any thoughts on whether I should design my own cover art or not for my latest publication?

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Whadya mean 'latest', Graham, you disingenuous dork? 'Only', you mean. 'ONLY'!!!

GRINGOBELLHOP wrote:
I suggest you buy 'COVER ART: TO SELF DESIGN OR NOT TO SELF DESIGN? THAT IS A QUESTION' by Gringo Bellhop. That tome answers your query.

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Bloody hell, great advice Gringo! NOT!!!! Anyway, did you get round to reading the precis of my new work, 'THE CATARACTADYSIRIAD' yet?

GRINGOBELLHOP wrote:
No.

GRAHAMPARSNIP wrote:
I may have to look that book up, thanks Gringo. Anyway, I have to go now and finish work on the current chapter I am working on.

DUNKANCUTTER wrote:
Fuck off then, Graham. That's a good lad. Let the professionals get on with their proper discussions.

BUMNUTS wrote:
I'm back. Just done a really big wank!

DUNKAN CUTTER wrote:
Great. Send me a photo.

*** GRAHAMPARSNIP has disconnected ***

Huth gambles with his Pride

Things are truly looking up in my world, now. Dalrymple has been off my back for a couple of weeks, and Briony is filling me with hope for my literary future!

I am sat at Merryl, my eyes aquiver across the screen. I am putting the finishing touches to a scene in The Oligarchicon (I am able to stay focussed on the mighty Oli... even though the A'Rafat Chronicles will soon be published!) where Trels Gapplethorn (a civil servant from the snow planet, JUkl), Jug Jug Makkle-Trat (a slave trader, but actually a good man) and Huth are playing SLAGG, a notoriously dangerous card game for well high stakes.

In a gambling hall deep in the seedy district of Crustacean, Huth stared at Trels over the top of his cards, attempting to psycho-analyse his opponent into submssion. Failing, on this occasion, he instead placed the Praelector of Juttlebug card down on the table.

"I shall match your bid of 18 flibbits, Trels, and will raise you 4. Let me tickle the badger."

A trickle of sweat beaded down Huth's forehead. He knew the stakes were high, and that he was gambling with resources he couldn't match. If he lost, and unable to pay, he would have to make the ultimate sacrifice by the rules of SLAGG - he would forfeit his cock. He leant across the table to tickle the badger: a SLAGG term for getting another card from the pile. He glanced at it: A three of Chattawaaaweee. Dammit!

It was now Jug Jug's go. His beak opened and shut nervously. His vast wealth meant that he could easily overwhelm his rivals with outlandish bets: but this was considered not to be cricket when playing SLAGG, and he knew it - big time. Fortunatley for the slave-trader from A'a'a'a'a'tit, he was holding a game-winning card: the Ace of Blaarts. He hurled it down onto the pile, and screeched the game-winning cry:

"Embrace my dark place!"

Huth and Trels chucked their cards back onto the table in disgust. Huuth gulped several times, and crossed his legs. How in all of buggery was he to get out of this one? Crowing, Jug Jug scooped up his winnings, before noticing a note amongst the coincards.

"What is this?" The bird-man chirrupped. "'I owe you 84 flibbits. Kind Regards, Huth.'? What is the meaning of this, you Tadotian oaf? Can you not pay me my winnings? I hope you are aware of the penalty..."

"I am yes," spoke Huth quietly, and with the dignity of a man shortly to be bereft of his most manly appendage. "Give me a chance to make it up in some other way though, Jug Jug. I know you are a slave-trader, but I also know that you are actually a good man. There must be some task worthy of 84 flibbits?"

"You're right for once. I may be a slave-trader, but I am actually a good man as well. Very well! I do have a task for you to perform. One of my most attractive slaves, Bri'oni has been captured by Gaxor, the Replicant King and a planet-hopping madman!"

"What would Gaxor want with a humanoid slave-girl, no matter how fit she is?" asked Trels.

"Simple," simmered Jug Jug. "Gaxor has recruited D'Splorsch, the virgin eating dragon who fled Brel-Limial after their housing policy bust-up! He needs to feed up D'Splorsch to get him back to full strength, to help him in his mad planet-hopping. He wants to take over the whole western arc of Blaart!"

"So, by stopping Bri'oni being eaten, we will help save the Western Arc? I'm up for the challenge. After all, I could do with some action after banishing forever the handmaiden Sia'znai, to Fink, prison moon of Plupp," responded Huth, beaming widely.

"No way, Huth. You better keep your plonker in your pants. I need Bri'oni back unbroken. She's worth far more to me cherry intact than deflowered," interjected Jug Jug sternly.

"Shit. This is going to be hard. But not as hard as being castrated! I'll do it, Jug Jug! But I'll need some help. There's no way I can enter the realm of Gaxor, administered as it is by the evil Praelector, alone. Can you get me a partner in this job, Jug Jug?"

"I might be able to help you, Huth. Bogg-Ryder, the warrior Queen of Zlup, the swamp planet, owes me a favour. She has a Cybrowarrior named Pedro who would be ideal in a quest such as this. I'll make sure he comes along with you. get the next shuttlecruise out of Crustacean to P'Chuck, capital of Zlup. He'll meet you there. Next time I see you, I want Bri'oni to be there too - intact. Y'here?"

"Yes. I'll be on my way. See you later!"

Huth spinted out of the gambling hall and hailed a demicruiser to the shuttlecruiseport two miles away to catch the next flight to P'Chuck. he didn't know where this adventure would take him, but at least it kept him busy!

What an awesome scene. The tale of The Oligarchicon gets more exciting and complex everytime I write!